Here we go again.
The first three episodes of Season 3 of The Handmaid’s Tale recently dropped on Hulu. While I found myself laughing at the past 23 episodes, some tiny part of me hoped that this series would finally turn a corner. As I sat down to watch the opening three episodes, I thought that there might be some glimmer of thought or intelligence in the face of the catastrophic plot holes of the past two years.
Maybe this time would be differe—
Bwahahahahahahahaha! Oh, who am I kidding? These three hours are just as laughably bad as all of the others! Let’s dispense with the usual format and get down to business!
Episode 1 – REEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!
This show has a lot of bad habits. This is one of them.
Before we explore our new disaster zone, it’s important to point out that this season appears to split its attention between June (Elizabeth Moss) and Emily (Alexis Bledel). If you’re not sure who these characters are, don’t worry. I don’t either.
Anyway, “Night” picks up almost immediately after the end of Season 2. As Emily heads north with Nichole, June returns to a bewildered Commander Lawrence (Bradley Whitford) because she can’t leave without her first-born daughter, Hannah (Jordana Blake). It’s a rather admirable goal, but she gets caught by the Eyes because they magically know where she is at all times. They take her back to Fred and Serena Waterford (Joseph Fiennes and Yvonne Strahovski), who argue over the baby’s escape.
Okay, that’s understandable. Let’s just hope that Nick (Max Minghella) is a bit more understanding. After all, the writers kind of built him up to be June’s other lover. He should be more than caring.
Oh, we’re not doing that? He’s just going to call her selfish like some kind of robot? Alrighty then!
Serena is more than a little distraught over the loss of “her child,” so she responds to it by lighting a match and burning the family house down. Naturally, this means that Serena, June, or a Martha will be arrested for arson once the Eyes discover the cause of the fire, right?
Oh, we’re not doing that either? The Eyes just take June to be whipped in the feet and send her over the Commander Lawrence, who is arguably the funniest character in the entire season? What a coincidence!
Also, June thinks that she’s probably going to die, even though she has enough plot armor to stop a tank shell. That’s a thing, I guess.
Meanwhile, Emily makes her way to the Canadian border, dodging drones left and right. She does a pretty good job of evading capture with Nichole, but she has to wade into what is presumably the St. Lawrence River under a massive bridge. Naturally, the river sweeps her and the baby away to die.
Nah, I’m just kidding. Alexis Bledel has a contract. Emily and Nichole miraculously survive the ordeal and are taken in by the Canadian authorities, even though Emily could have reduced her risk of death and death-related symptoms by simply stepping over the land border into Quebec.
Okay, let’s just move on.
Episode 2 – Please Stop This Thing.
Alright, we’re finally getting some spy action!
“Mary and Martha” opens with the news that Gilead is on the verge of taking Chicago. Naturally, this seems like the right time for a NATO Quick Reaction Force to finally enter the war on the side of the United Sta—
Oh, we’re passing a logical intervention point, too? The rebels are on the verge of losing major airports that could be used to secure air supremacy over the Midwest, so the Canadians, British, and Europeans are just going to sit around with their thumbs up their asses? Thanks for nothing, assholes!
After this absurd revelation, June discovers that Aunt Lydia (Ann Dowd) survived Emily’s stab-and-throw at the end of Season 2. When I first saw this, I could hardly believe that a semi-elderly woman would survive with some walking problems. At best, she should be paralyzed. At worst, she should have died.
With that said, Aunt Lydia distracted me by shocking June in the boxing box. That old lady is a laugh riot, I tell you!
Luckily, her unintentionally funny moment is immediately overtaken by the resistance plot. When the resistance network decides to help a Martha by the name of Alison, June helps Lawrence’s Marthas deliver a letter to a dead drop. She soon learns that Alison is actually a chemist who makes bombs, so she might be an asset to their outfit of pseudo-freedom fighters.
Of course, Alison immediately fucks everything up by bringing an injured Martha back to the house. The ladies hide her in the basement and try to keep her from moaning, but the all-powerful guardians hear the noise, find the Martha’s trail of blood, and kill everyone.
Nah, I’m just kidding. The characters read a script somewhere, so the unnamed woman that we know nothing about dies for reasons. After a goofy REEEEEEEEEEEE fest by the great and powerful Whitford, June disposes of the body. The next day, she snarks to Ofmatthew that another handmaid died when her walking partner snapped and pushed her in front of a bus.
That got a genuine chuckle out of me.
In Canada, the absurdity continues as Emily gets checked out by a doctor. After all that we’ve seen her go through up to this point, the woman should be dying from a nasty case of radiation poisoning, but she merely needs some cholesterol drugs and a clitoral reconstruction.
Wait, what?! Her teeth were falling out in “Seeds.” Are we not going to talk about that?
Certainly not. We need to focus on Luke (OT Fagbenle) and Moira’s (Samira Wiley) soapy fits. That’ll certainly keep things interesting! We wouldn’t want to focus on the Battle of Chicago, would we?
Ugh.
Episode 3 – Josh Lyman Makes Everything Better.
Why wouldn’t the regime turn the rebellion into a propaganda tool? Real fascist regimes have done that.
In a strange contrast to the previous episodes, “Useful” focuses almost exclusively on June and Commander Lawrence as they butt heads over the decisions that the Joseph makes on behalf of Gilead. It’s a surprisingly watchable story… until the writers screw everything up.
June’s arc begins with a look at the Marthas who have been executed by the regime. Our narrator begins to believe that she’s disposable, which is rather funny because a lot of men could say that they feel that way in our world. In a rather smart move, she focuses on her own survival by planning out a play for allies with power.
So far, so good.
The local commanders meet with Lawrence in order to discuss the affairs of state, such as the next steps in the Battle of Chicago. June uses the meeting as a means of gathering information from Fred, but gains little practical knowledge outside of some tidbits about the man’s personality. During the meeting, Lawrence snipes at June by forcing a discussion about gender differences, pointing out that her previous job didn’t amount to much. In a shockingly consistent bit of characterization, June looks like she’s about to rip his throat out, but decides against it.
Later on, June and Lawrence continue their little fight in the study, which starts off with a rather out-of-date attack on Mitt Romney. In a rather hilarious turn, June tries to seduce the older man, but is quickly disarmed by the fact that Lawrence can see right through her. The Commander repeatedly slams her lack of intelligence and willingness to sex her way out of a situation. Apparently, he let Emily escape because he felt that she could be of some use as a scientist, whereas June never really bothered to help anyone. June rebuts the Commander by pointing out that he helped to create a nation that doesn’t even give women the chance to prove if they’re useful.
Wow. The writers actually put a tiny bit of thought into this. How did that happen?
Lawrence responds to the accusation by bringing June to a holding area. A bunch of female captives from the Battle of Chicago are being held there, so Lawrence forces her to make a choice. The vast majority of the captives will be shipped off to The Colonies or agricultural work, but June can save five of them. If she doesn’t choose, all of them will die.
In another dystopia, this would be a compelling test of character, but the script falls flat on its face here. We don’t get to see June’s thought process at all. She simply cries for a little bit, picks a bunch of people, and ends the hour with a goofy #resist speech about how she’s coming for the men of Gilead.
Wait. Didn’t she just say that she needs allies with power? What happened to that assertion?
By the way, I know that Serena has a side plot in this episode at her mom’s house, but it doesn’t add much to the story.
Conclusion.
I am June. I am so smart that I picked a lawyer over someone who has experience with weapons. Fear me?
While there are a few compelling ideas in the first portion of Season 3, The Handmaid’s Tale seems to be all too willing to make the same mistakes that have plagued the previous two seasons. Apart from Bradley Whitford’s best efforts, the characterization doesn’t make sense, the story is loaded with silliness, and we’re teased with interesting things that we don’t get to see. I know that a lot of people are saying that this show is the best drama in the history of time, but I just can’t see it.
3 down, 10 to go!
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