Update (1/25/2019): Apparently, the ad that was sent to the media is not the same one that we were subjected to on Youtube. There appears to be a deleted scene. Can anyone think of a reason why this clip was excised?
Recently, Gillette released a Super Bowl Big Game Ad that provoked a lot of discussion online. However, it traded their usual focus on razors for a look at #MeToo, “toxic masculinity,” and bullying. Feminists and SJWs supported it as a celebration of men for reasons, whereas a lot of normie men and women decried it as an attack.
But is it really that bad? Yes.
Join me in The R-Files, and we’ll pick apart every single inch of this embarrassing ad. Sure, several other commentators have done so over the past week, but I think I’ve picked on a few things that you might not have noticed… except in your subconscious mind, that is.
Men And Boys Are Bad.
The ad opens with several shots of men looking into the mirror, giving off a somber tone as a voice over talks about all of the intersectionality tropes that I mentioned in the opening. After these evildoers look at their bathroom mirror, there is a sudden cut as a bunch of boys burst through a screen that is showing off a 1980s Gillette ad for reasons.
Cue more sadness as said boys run past a crying kid in his mother’s arms. Apparently, he received a bunch of texts, but hasn’t heard of something called a “block button.” This magnificent invention is now on virtually all smartphones and social media sites… even though he looks like he’s too young to legally go on Facebook or have a smartphone anyway.
TURN OFF YOUR BRAIN! EVERYTHING IS FINE!
How Dare These Boys Watch TV Programs With Hot Women In Bikinis!
Wait. You weren’t supposed to notice this. LOOK AWAY!
Of course, we can’t laugh off the fact that discount Bryan Cranston desires his wife(?) in a television program, so we cut to some boys who are flipping through television channels. The first is a fake black-and-white cartoon because we all need to disregard linear time, blur the past with the present, and play pretend.
Again, don’t think about it. Turn off your brain.
The second is a clip from some kind of reality show. There are hot women in bikinis, dudes with muscles, and a pool. The stage seems set for a nice party, but I want you to examine the visuals in this shot. As you can see, there are white chairs and umbrellas, pink & green inflatables, and a woman with a teal bikini. Keep that in mind for later!
Lastly, we cut back to not Peter Griffin as he paws after the woman in his home. This is supposed to be bad for reasons that Gillette made up just now, and you will obey them!
Why Can’t Anyone Understand Me?!
In another quick cut, we enter a boardroom with multiple men and a woman. The woman in question seems to have presented an idea, but she looks downcast and a bit sad. Meanwhile, the viewer’s attention is drawn to a man who says, “What I think she’s trying to say is…”
Wait, what?
This is supposed to be a meditation, but it just demonstrates a massive contradiction. Women are apparently good enough to get into the boardroom without any sort of quotas or special treatment, but they’re also so stupid that no one can understand what they’re talking about. As a consequence, men have to pull their asses out of the fire.
PAY NO ATTENTION! OBEY! BUY OUR PRODUCTS!
After that, we turn to some boys who are getting into a “fight” at a barbecue. The adult men are chanting “Boys Will Be Boys” like zombies, but there’s ANOTHER problem that we’ll get to a little bit later.
Everything Has Changed.
As the ad turns to its belief in the “best in men,” we are treated to a news story by Ana Kasparian, a co-host on The Young Turks. One could easily go into that organization’s insane history of race-baiting, genocide denial, selective editing, and numerous other regressive antics, but that would turn this file into a book. We have to move on.
Naturally, we cut back to younger men who are smiling in the mirror for reasons. Next, we jump back over to what seems to be another pool party. A white guy asks a woman smile at him, only to have a black guy stop him.
Wait, what’s this stuff in the foreground and background? It’s a professional video camera, a woman in a teal bikini, pink & green inflatables, and white chairs & umbrellas!
Apparently, some guy managed to wander past security, get onto a television set, and move into a shot before harassing a woman? What is going on here?!
As your eyes roll into the back of your skull, consider a few more lessons. You should never approach a woman in public or run down a street, but you should shake hands with some other kid and tell your kid to say things in the mirror for no reason.
Back at the barbecue, one of the dads intervenes in the “fight.” Apparently, it’s serious enough to warrant action, even though the ginger kid is smiling in the shot. How dare these kids have some kind of fun at a party?! REEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!
And of course, the kid being chased is another victim of bullying, but no one saw him flee. Sure, they’re in the middle of a city in broad daylight, but it’s not like there are cops or a massive number of people around to hear the kid yell for help.
Oh, wait.
Conclusion.
Wew.
I don’t know about you, but I think that Procter & Gamble just opened all of our third eyes. Men are evil, Kim Gehrig is competent, and nothing will ever go wrong if we submit to the hive. If you’re enlightened and euphoric about this new knowledge, I think it’s important that you do not question a giant multinational corporation at all.
After all, they know what’s best for society, don’t they?
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