What a world! What a world!
Edit (4/12/2020): A missing word has been placed back into the section of the text that deals with Episode 3.
I have been fascinated with alternate history for as long as I can remember. There’s just something about asking “What If?” and sketching out the effects that tickles the brain and ignites a spark of creativity, even if the method of expression might not be what one is used to. So, imagine my shock when I learned that Freeform was developing an Alien Space Bats-esque series by the name of Motherland: Fort Salem. Sure, it’s not supposed to be realistic in the vein of something on alternatehistory.com, but that doesn’t mean that it can’t be entertaining, right?
Well, let’s keep things short and sweet. If you want to tumble down a vortex of insanity that would make Cthulhu blush, you could do a hell of a lot worse than a laugh riot that is really hard to take seriously. To show you what I mean, we are going to dispense with the usual format and go through every single episode of this season.
The things I do for your amusement. SPOILERS, AHOY!
Episode 1 – How Metal Is This?!
I’m pretty sure that they should be training with assault rifles. Is that too much?
Much to my surprise, the show starts off with a scene that is pitch black in tone. In the middle of a shopping center, everything seems ordinary until a random woman releases a balloon. A few moments later, it pops… and everyone but the caster winds up throwing themselves off of the highest ledge possible.
I’m not gonna lie. I know this is on Freeform, but that kind of move is bold and innovative. In most fantasy stories, we never really get to see how a magic system can influence the general population, so that scene alone points out the dark potential of the setting and story.
How will the creative team screw it up?
As it turns out, the show largely focuses on three witches who have been drafted into service by the United States Government. Before they go, however, the writers tried to give them some defining characteristics. Raelle Collar (Taylor Hickson) has some raw talent as a healer from her life in a strip of land that is called The Cession (more on that fustercluck later), but she’s also angry because she feels that the Army got her mother killed. Abigail Bellweather (Ashley Nicole Williams) is a legacy cadet who is supported by her family, but that also means that she has a reputation to uphold. Lastly, Tally Craven (Jessica Sutton) wants to serve in spite of the concerns of her mother, who lost a ton of family members in combat and got an exemption from service.
Okay, not bad. How will the creative team screw it up?
After the three of them declare their allegiance to a coin that appears in the middle of their bedroom, they are instructed to make their way to Fort Salem. After a bit of admiration for those who serve, the recruits meet General Sara Alder (Lyne Renée), who offers a basic orientation for her charges and the audience. She points out that the world is facing off against a terrorist organization called The Spree and calls upon her subordinates to defend a great nation.
Uh, that’s global hegemon or world hyperpower to you, but this is starting to seem kind of based and hawk-pilled. How will the creative team screw it up?
Oh, no. It’s a high school/college drama in military clothing. To make matters worse, the female terrorist from the beginning somehow managed to become a cadet by the name of Scylla (Amalia Holm). Over the course of what’s left of the episode, she manages to strike up a relationship with Raelle!
Episode 2 – The What In The Who Now?
I wish I was making half of this stuff up, but I’m not.
“My Witches” begins with some fraternization, which apparently isn’t illegal in the U.S. Army now. After that, we learn that the President is visiti-
Hang on. Why are there 50 stars on the American flag? According to the map that is shown in the opening credits of every episode, several states have either been merged into one or don’t exist because they are supposedly a part of The Cession. On top of that, why would history turn out largely the same if the U.S. Government set aside a bunch of land for who knows who and effectively split the country in half?
By the way, if you want to do a drinking game, try to look out for the continuity errors that are right in front of your face in this episode. You’ll probably get hammered.
The rest of the episode largely deals with the start of basic training, but it’s of middling quality. At first, we’re introduced to some interesting spells, but how do the Drill Sergeants know the force applied by each spell-caster without some kind of measuring device? Then again, there’s a hilariously bitchy cat-fight where Abigail states that Libby (Sara Yarkin) is “…a dumb, noodling, neigh-neigh horse from a dumb, noodling, nobody family!”
Let that be a lesson to any of you who might also be writers. If you ever feel like you’re not good enough, just know that someone wrote a line that stupid and got it aired on television. You’re probably fine.
After that, the recruits visit the town of Salem. After seeing a play that points out information that we already know, the trio heads off to a restaurant. A little while later, a loose balloon causes a panic and reveals that the public doesn’t exactly trust witches. One guy is rather rude to Tally, so the allegedly nice redhead loses her temper and sends him flying across the room.
Okay, this version of the U.S. Army must have no rules whatsoever. It seems like the kind of military that would be envisioned by a fourteen-year-old who writes stories on fanfiction.net.
Meanwhile, we learn that General Alder is about to command a strike force that was organized in response to another suicide spell in Kiev. Apparently, the world’s witches aren’t doing too well against the Spree, so action needs to be taken against a factory in the area.
Gee, General. I can’t imagine why you could be doing so poorly, especially when one considers that your cadets are:
- Getting into random catfights with each other.
- Drinking on the job.
- Fraternizing on the base.
- Going AWOL for reasons.
- Assaulting civilians.
Naturally, the deployed team waltzes into a Spree ambush and dies. Go figure.
Oh, by the way, it is hinted that the Spree wants Scylla to recruit people inside the base. Let’s just throw that in there for sport.
Episode 3 – Let’s Introduce The Guys.
This show is a comedy gold mine.
“A Biddy’s Life” was directed by Amanda Tapping, but I’m not going to criticize her because she didn’t actually write the damn thing.
Anyway, the episode opens with the apparent acknowledgment that a division of male witches (wizards?) exists, which throws a barrel of massive wrenches into the show’s attempt at worldbuilding, especially when one considers the dorky assertion that women are naturally stronger than men for reasons (DRINK!).
Of course, Tally and the girls have coom on the brain, and we learn from the Drill Sergeants that there is going to be a lot of wild sexual energy over the course of the next few days because of a tradition called Beltane. However, their enthusiasm for cooming is interrupted by a terrorist attack that seems like something out of heavy metal.
Apparently, a male member of the Spree froze over a swimming pool, trapping and killing the people in it. The witches can see this in their minds, but Anacostia (Demetria McKinney) tells them that they need to unwind and coom.
Okay, I can see you rolling your eyes into the back of your head. Let’s just roll with it.
The leading ladies meet a bunch of dudes, but Raelle starts wondering about a guy named Porter (David Lennon). Apparently, he knows something about Scylla, which makes things more than a little suspicious. After an interlude about the history of a Second Mexican-American War that apparently resulted in no territorial changes whatsoever, Porter confronts Scylla, only to be mind-controlled into committing suicide.
Meanwhile, General Alder has to head over to The Hague for an international witch meeting. For some reason, there’s a problem in the Tarim Basin that lies in between Russia and China. The occupants want to remain neutral and be left alone, but they also possess a set of mysterious and magical songs that haven’t been heard for generations. Sara recognizes them, and it’s implied that they might be a resource that is up for grabs. However, she is distracted by the collapse and death of one of her “biddies.”
We soon learn how Sara has kept herself young and trim for over 300 years. Apparently, the old women around her are taking part in a PG variation on how the Imperium of Man sustains its God-Emperor in Warhammer 40,000. In order for her to remain young, a gaggle of women have to be old for the rest of their lives.
Man, this show’s universe would be awesome if it were in better hands.
Episode 4 – Okay, Coomers.
Don’t shine a black light around those trees tomorrow.
On some level, “Hail Beltane” should really be titled “Informative PG Porn”… because that’s what it basically is. Sure, there’s a minor subplot about Porter’s magical autopsy, but I’m pretty sure that anyone with half a brain knows that the mole subplot would have been over if Porter told the truth as a ghost. It’s irrelevant until one realizes that Scylla told Raelle that she saw Porter that night, which leaves an opening that can be exploited.
As I just said, the rest of the episode focuses on the Beltane sploogefest. For some reason, General Alder thinks that the annual cooming is so sacred that the Spree would never attack it, but there’s no reason to actually believe that. In the previous episode, we learned that the Spree can mind control wizards, so a few well-placed suicide balloons in that campus would kill everyone and cripple America’s magical war effort.
Of course, all of the characters would be dead if that happened, but that’s one big reason why writers need to think the natural and unnatural consequences of the story points that they make. These people didn’t.
Oh, it is also said the witches and wizards also won’t be as strong if they don’t screw their way through the group either, so the Spree don’t even need balloons. They could probably develop some kind of magical super gonorrhea and kill everyone that way.
The rest of the episode can be explained in a very simple way. Remember that overly long cavern scene in The Matrix Reloaded where Neo and Trinity sneak off to have sex? Something tells me that the writers watched that and asked themselves how they could make it longer and even more obnoxious. And then, they did exactly that!
Tally loses her virginity behind a tree, Abigail forms a chocolate-filled cookie with two bisexual dudes, and General Alder nails the Witch Father (Nick Tarabay) because a kilt provides for easy access. The Spree don’t attack at all, but we learn that there’s a second spy in the mix and that the terrorists want to attack a wedding that’s coming up.
Wait. They don’t want to attack a gathering of almost all of their opposition, but they are planning to strike a wedding?
Right, that makes perfect sense. Sure. Okay.
So, that’s Part 1 of Season 1 of Motherland: Fort Salem! If you want to follow the train crash, keep it here for Part 2!
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