Meet Peter. He’s a 20-something airline pilot who likes vacations to Cleveland and not knowing what to do!
Another ridiculous season of The Bachelor has come and gone, and all I can say is that it was like a filet mignon of trashy television. However, this piece isn’t about that. If you actually want some extensive thoughts on the franchise, take a look at this non-PC piece from last year or this one on Bachelor In Paradise.
With this go-around, I wanted to do something a little bit different by looking at the structure of the show itself. I know that a lot of the fan base likes to envelop themselves in the drama even in the face of spoilers. However, you don’t actually need to do much legwork to figure out who the “winner” is going to be.
Of course, I put “winner” in quotes because no one actually wins anything by participating in a show like this, but most of you knew that already.
So, let’s take a look at it and use this year as our guide!
It’s A Romance Novel On Steroids.
It even has celebrity cameos!
Some of you might wonder why I look at the more absurd elements of popular culture on this site, and there’s a simple answer for that. If one wants to be a good writer, it is important to study the culture because various art forms have a lot in common. For instance, film and television screenplays are distinct because they’re written for a visual canvas, but most still follow the exposition and dialogue structure that is found in books. It’s just a little different.
With that in mind, I think that The Bachelor is quite similar to a romance novel on ‘roid rage.
Why do I say that? Let’s go to the list!
- The show’s main guy is typically someone who has some combination of high status and good looks.
- All of the women are good-looking as well, but they typically have ordinary jobs.
- The show plays with the fantasy that the guy that you’re into will automatically lavish you with the stuff of dreams… even though ABC is actually footing the bill.
- All of the dialogue is either overly dramatic, incredibly superficial, or focused on how wonderful the woman is.
As you can see, it is blatantly obvious that this franchise hits all of the goofy pleasure centers, but let’s get to the substance.
The Odds Are Not 1-In-30.
She’s not on the list. NEXT!
In keeping with the idea of a romance novel, it’s important to examine how the overall structure works without a script. The entire season is shot well before it airs, so the producers are typically able to craft the idea of an inevitable “love story” by selecting footage that squares with the overall course of the show.
All that you need to do is focus on the first two hours. Due to the time constraints imposed by prime-time programming, the producers don’t actually shove all 30 women (or however many there are) in front of you aside from a cursory introduction. Instead, they typically focus on a small handful, so all that you need to do is pay attention.
In reference to this past season, the women that the producers focused most of their attention on during the premiere were Victoria P., Maurissa, Alayah, Eunice, Kelley, Madison, and Hannah Ann.
Do you see how the final two (highlighted in bold) are in there?
Anyway, Eunice and Maurissa were eliminated during the first episode, so the odds of a correct pick can be narrowed down to 1-in-5. And of course, no one other the final two women on the list actually made it past Episode 7, so you can either flip a coin or use the guy’s personality as a clue to zero in on the “winner.”
Conclusion.
Be a real man? Well, that’s not very woke of you!
Of course, this system isn’t foolproof because of the possibility that the guy might not pick anyone or might go to someone that they’ve already eliminated, but those two events have only happened once in all 24 seasons of the show that have made it to air. Therefore, you should be able to use your incredibly stupid romance powers to great effect with each new year. So, take a look at the first two hours, use some common sense, and try to impress your friends!
And always remember, you’re here forever.
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