I’m sorry, Dave. I’m afraid I deserve better movies than this.
The negativity train continues onward! I thought I’d like to focus on being a contrarian this time around because I think that everything deserves a second look. In the case of this article, I want to explore the more critically acclaimed films out there. Putting aside the ones that I’ve already covered like The Force Awakens, I managed to find five movies where I have found that the lofty critical praise does not really match up with how I felt about these movies. In no particular order, here we go!
2001: A Space Odyssey
If I want an odyssey, I’ll stick with Homer, thank you very much.
Stanley Kubrick’s 1968 film was developed concurrently with the novel, and you couldn’t pay me to give a fraction of a damn about the story because there isn’t one. Normally, people like to go to the movies to enjoy the story without necessarily having it spoon-fed to them, but I’d like to quote Arthur C. Clarke on how he deliberately wrote this movie to be unsolvable.
“If you understand ‘2001’ completely, we failed,” he said. “We wanted to raise far more questions than we answered.”
I have deliberately written certain plot elements in my novels so that they can be open to interpretation, but I’d argue that it is the hallmark of a poor storyteller if you write an entire piece that way. It even comes across in the film. Comically large stretches of screen time are devoted to nicely done visual effects (for their time) instead of a coherent narrative, which overshadows the only iconic part of the film in the visage of HAL 9000. And even that does not last very long!
Next!
Shutter Island
If you don’t want to give away your movie, don’t put scenes like this in there!
Martin Scorsese is one of my favorite directors and has been known for crafting iconic masterpieces like Taxi Driver, Goodfellas, and The Aviator, but even he is not immune to comical misfires. His 2010 adaptation of Dennis Lehane’s Shutter Island is a story that is perhaps the least beloved on this list, yet I would argue that it does not even deserve a “Certified Fresh” rating on Rotten Tomatoes.
Leonardo DiCaprio leads an otherwise excellent cast, but the direction and any notion of suspense are so laughably off kilter. Why? In my first viewing, I was able to predict the twist right when they arrived on the island, and I don’t even watch that many psychological thrillers!
Next!
The King’s Speech
Give me an Oscar! O, won’t you please throw me that statue now?
World War II is a conflict that defined the modern era, leading to the rise of titanic figures on the side of the Allies and the most evil bastards who have ever lived on the side of the Axis Powers. So, how do you tell new stories in an era that has been revisited on film over and over again? Easy! Focus on a speech impediment instead of what it means to be a King in the modern era.
There can be no doubt that this film is well-acted, but that’s all it has going for it. The story pushes so much time onto King George VI and his predicament that it ignores the larger stakes on the world stage and how he figures into that. Why should we care if a monarch gets over this particular problem and lead his nation when we don’t actually see him lead?
Aside from a text crawl at the end, the film never shows us and that is a crying shame. Next!
Avatar
Silence! I’m a 22nd century Marine with the morality of a caveman! Look at how evil I am!
In previous articles, I’ve remarked on how Hollywood often likes to put political messages into their movies, and you cannot get more blatantly obvious than James Cameron’s 2009 film. If you strip away the spectacular visual effects, the story is a complete rip-off of films like Dances with Wolves and reveals an almost cartoonish level of contempt for the U.S. military, capitalism, and the idea that mining for natural resources is something to be ashamed of.
The film never explores the benefits and drawbacks of trading with unknown peoples, extremism, or the thought that other people could benefit in some way from our exploits. No, it focuses on bashing you over the head with nonsensical allegories while ignoring painfully obvious truths about history, scientific discovery, and the progress of humanity.
Next!
The War of the Worlds
Yeah, you’re boned.
If you could strip out every single character from a story and still get to the same place, you’re gonna have a bad time. I believe that this sentence represents everything that’s wrong with the last item on this list, even though it is supposedly renowned as one of the classics of science fiction. All of the characters in this story are helpless bystanders in the face of an overwhelming Martian threat, only to win when a deus ex machina hits in the form of Earth’s microbes.
The story may have been acceptable in a time when we could barely make sense of the inner workings of biology, but it is pretty laughable now. Why would a species that has mastered interplanetary, if not interstellar travel not take precautions for the defense of their own people? Better yet, why would they fall victim to the same diseases that plague us when they are undeniably alien… unless they grew up alongside us?
Maybe I am overthinking it, but it does demonstrate how the genre has long since moved on.
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