The things I subject myself to for your amusement.
If you’ve been a fan of this website for any length of time, then you’re probably aware of the fact that I rarely indulge in reality television. However, that all changed in the past year when I developed an addiction to The Bachelor. That show’s mixture of corny set pieces and faux romantic idealism is continuously bad, but the people watching is so good that it turns the show into something of a sugar rush. You know it’s bad for you, but you’re going to watch it anyway!
So, imagine how I felt when I discovered the existence of Bachelor In Paradise.
HELP!
How It Works.
MELODRAMA, AHOY!
For the normies who haven’t been sucked into this eternal vortex of horror and laughter, allow me to point out how the show operates. Long story short, it’s a budget version of The Bachelor with 100% more Mexican vistas and a ten times greater chance that some virus might stall out production for months.
Yeah, yeah. I know that ABC requires its contestants to get tested, but it’s kind of funny to think about that.
Anyway, this spin-off adopts a slightly different format than its more formal sisters. At the start of everything, multiple men and women (almost always from the other two shows) date one another in an imbalanced fashion. This arrangement helps to facilitate the goofy rose ceremonies that are a staple of the franchise, but the show throws some proverbial hand grenades into the equation to shake things up. Control of the roses alternates between the sexes from week-to-week, and one or two new people from the opposite sex show up with a date card for reasons.
Sure, some of these people just so happen to be on the minds of the current contestants, but it’s not like this is a show that is editorially manufactured from the ground up, right?
Oh, No. It’s Editorially Manufactured From The Ground Up!
The show kind of made Blake look like a douche, but the Tell All made him seem almost normal.
Unlike its more expensive sisters, Bachelor In Paradise doesn’t give off the appearance of a slickly edited and focused melodrama. In the case of those shows, the audience only really needs to know about the star, the suitor, and the progress of a “relationship” that has nothing to do with values or even the slightest bit of what makes love work. On this little tumble down the rabbit hole, we get to see that with side of extreme awkwardness and obvious choreography.
And by the way, I’m not just referring to the testimonials that were obviously added in post, although Clay certainly did a number with that by describing a situation in the past AND present tense in Week 5, Part 1 of this past season!
No, I’m also pointing out the dime-store plot twists that seemingly come out of nowhere. There can’t just be a discussion about an ex or how a person got over a relationship. That would be too illuminating and might give us some reasonable character development. The ex in question has to show up on the beach to give the audience more, MORE, MOAR!
To make things even funnier, one can usually tell when a plot twist is about to be thrown in because the editing staff pulls it out of their asses at the last second. After all, why deliver a competent introduction to your next cast member when you could just point out that they met someone we already know at a wedding, Stagecoach, or a party for the franchise?
On a related note, why do all of these people seem to know one another? That kind of defeats the point of a magical “love story” that’s actually little more than a cheddar cheese version of a Mexican telenovela.
Okay, let’s be fair here. After all, it’s not like Bachelor In Paradise is accidentally delivering messages from the Manosphere.
Oh, shit.
The Show Is Absurdly Red-Pilled… Until It Isn’t.
Dean seems like the most non-bullshit guy that I’ve seen on this kind of show.
When one consumes any piece of entertainment, it’s important to think about the philosophy it is spreading to the masses. In the case of Bachelor In Paradise, I don’t think that anyone can truly pin down what the show is trying to say, but that’s because it’s a case of constant whiplash!
If one watches up until the final week, it’s easy to get the impression that this show is a warning about the cancerous nature of dating culture. Much of the melodrama centers itself around “controversies” and “dilemmas” that are absolutely hilarious if you think about them for more than five seconds. Here are some of the ones from this past season!
- I’m mad that you didn’t tell me that you had sex with someone else in this group before the show, even though we weren’t in any kind of relationship. We’re going to keep you around!
- I’m so sad that I can’t find my person, so I’m going to go on a television show and cry like a bitch when I could have better statistical odds with some random woman in my town!
- I’m really mad that you’re dating someone else in front of me, even though we all have to live together and I gave you permission to do it.
- I WENT ON ONE DATE WITH A GUY, AND NOW I’M MAD BECAUSE THAT PIGEON BITCH INVITED HIM OUT ON ABC’S DIME! REEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!
- YOU USED ME, EVEN THOUGH YOU TOLD ME THAT YOU HIT IT OFF WITH SOMEONE ELSE! FUCK MEN! REEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!
I don’t know about you, but this seems to be pretty out-of-character for the Walt Disney Company. I had no idea that the producers like to read a bit of Rollo Tomassi on the weekends!
All of the sudden, the show magically twists these wildly unstable relationships around in the final two or three episodes. For no apparent reason, these “couples” realize that they’re just so in love… until they’re not because it’s absolutely insane to get engaged after six weeks on a television show.
But wait! Some of them get engaged anyway!
Uh, what?!
Conclusion.
If any relationships are going to survive this shit show, it’ll probably be the ones that compelled people to leave early.
If The Bachelor is trashy television at its finest, then it’s safe to say that Bachelor In Paradise is a form of waterboarding that is wrapped up in comedy gold. The melodrama is side-splittingly funny, the story is all over the map, and the atmosphere is far cornier than anything you might see on The Bachelor. Then again, you, dear reader, might get some entertainment value out of the whole thing… if you’re a masochist.
The things I endure for your amusement. The things I endure.
See you next year!
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